Ok so I figured I had things all together in my life but after venting with a friend I realized that I wasn't as together as I thought I was. I realized some things about myself that I need to change, I know if I don't make those changes now it will only get worse. I have a tendcy to hold things in because I don't want to bother anyone or I avoid the situation because I don't want to feel the pain but as long as I do that  I am just setting up this barrier between me and people as well as what I want to become. I have realized that my dad's death and me not really dealing with it may play a roll as into why I am so cold..I have an icebox as Omarion says but I didn't get it my from a past lover well my ex may play a roll in this as well but I think majority is my dad. Ever since he passed I have chosen to not talk about it to anyone I have my nights where I cry to myself but I never sat down with my fam and expressed how I feel. I was so close to him and could tell him anything and once he passed I have just recently realized I shut out the rest of the world. I chose to avoid talk about him and help others instead of asking for the help I need. I don't want to have that talk because I don't want to hurt but I know now I can never move forward completely until the talk occurs.

        I also learned that I have a self esteem image issue well no I knew I had that but I just cant seem to get past it. People tell me I'm pretty, I have a cute smile and all but when I look at myself in the mirror I see somebody totally different..I see UGLY. This is why I hate pictures of me ( I think I got that from my mother) and thats why I only have one on here. I also have an issue with watching my self..like I went on cam one time and I had to scroll the screen I just couldn't look at myself. So I have decided that I want to start to fix ME and make ME a better person starting with losing 20 pounds. I have decide starting Saturday I am going back on my strict ass cant eat shit but fruit and veggies (yes that means I will have to cut out muh cheese noooo lol) diet as well as working out I will loose the weight by Jan!! My friend told me maybe I don't have to go to the extreme with it but with me its all or nothing because if I make it wear I cant have it all I will eventually forget about it and not miss it. If I let myself have it every once in awhile it will become all the time thing so I would just as soon cut it all out. Next will be forcing myself to take pics on the Macbook Pro (don't hate Ess/ Dani) using photobooth with my "Insight" built in cam then start posting them on here. Just doing things like that may help me got any ideas let me know..

  I have also been hella stressed at work damn I need a vacation Jan cant come soon enough lol. When I say stressed I mean stressed to the point of I cant take this anymore something has to give before I go knucking futz. I have started walking outside when I need a breather or if I am really having a difficult time I pull a dear friends e-mail up and reread it to my self there words of encouragement help get thru my little mini moment. I have also started taking me time when I get home just relaxing doing things that comfort me. I didn't really want to bother anybody with my issues but it was brought to my attention holding things in and not letting how you feel out only puts you in a deeper state of problems. I have chosen not to dwell in my problems and be defeated instead I will start making those needed change to become a better me. So I decided to vent in this blog and whoever has the time to reply can do so. I want to thank Ess, Dani, Kellz, KP, Shar, Robert and everyone else on here who has ever helped me when I needed it. I love yall and i am so blessed to have you guys in my life awww ::tear:: lol. Time to go back to work YaY riiiiight lol so until next time peace..

Ok I decided to make a blog about things that have been irking me lately so here it goes lol

1) FAKE PEOPLE- I can't stand fake people at all if you can't be real with me then I don't need you sorry just the way it goes. It irks the hell out of me that people feel the need to be someone there not smh I don't have time for all that mess. If you feel the need to play games and shit keep it moving shawty you don't know me. I swear fakeness is a bad disease going around so watch out!!

2) USERS- There is nothing worse than someone who uses people oh wait yes there is FAKE USERS. People seem to think I am stupid and dont know what's going on smh I was born at night but not last night. JUST KNOW SWEETHEART I AM ON TO YOU SO GO FIND ANOTHER SAP TO RUN YOUR 'GAME' ON. I actually find it funny that they think they are pulling a fast one over on me little do they know I am one step ahead of them . So to all the fake users GO SIT ON A STICK AND SPIN...OH AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

3) ANNOYING ATTENTION SEEKERS- It irks the hell out of me that people can't let other people speak or have a moment to shine. Ugh@ the ones who think it's all about ME ME ME smh damn shame. They are so into themselves they cant stop and take a second to help someone else out and then when they dont get the attention they want they either A) throw a tempertanturm like a 2 yr old or B) do something outragous to get people to notice them. It makes me sick damn just be there for someone else for once well wait no if your going to be fake about it don't do it.

OK I THINK THE BEST SOLUTION IS FOR PEOPLE TO STOP WITH THE I LOVE YOU, YOU ARE MY HOMIE FOR LIFE BULLSHIT AND BE REAL. REALNESS IN O8!! OH AND IF YOU ARE READING THIS THINKING ITS ABOUT YOU IT PROBABLY IS ...PEACE, LOVE, GODBLESS OH AND ::IN ROBOT VOICE:: O..Y..T..S!!  I'M OUT...