Wednesday, 08 October 2008
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Currently Listening
Seeing Sounds
By N.E.R.D.
Anti Matter
see relatedOperation Fix Candy Is On
Ok so I figured I had things all together in my life but after venting with a friend I realized that I wasn't as together as I thought I was. I realized some things about myself that I need to change, I know if I don't make those changes now it will only get worse. I have a tendcy to hold things in because I don't want to bother anyone or I avoid the situation because I don't want to feel the pain but as long as I do that I am just setting up this barrier between me and people as well as what I want to become. I have realized that my dad's death and me not really dealing with it may play a roll as into why I am so cold..I have an icebox as Omarion says but I didn't get it my from a past lover well my ex may play a roll in this as well but I think majority is my dad. Ever since he passed I have chosen to not talk about it to anyone I have my nights where I cry to myself but I never sat down with my fam and expressed how I feel. I was so close to him and could tell him anything and once he passed I have just recently realized I shut out the rest of the world. I chose to avoid talk about him and help others instead of asking for the help I need. I don't want to have that talk because I don't want to hurt but I know now I can never move forward completely until the talk occurs.
I also learned that I have a self esteem image issue well no I knew I had that but I just cant seem to get past it. People tell me I'm pretty, I have a cute smile and all but when I look at myself in the mirror I see somebody totally different..I see UGLY. This is why I hate pictures of me ( I think I got that from my mother) and thats why I only have one on here. I also have an issue with watching my self..like I went on cam one time and I had to scroll the screen I just couldn't look at myself. So I have decided that I want to start to fix ME and make ME a better person starting with losing 20 pounds. I have decide starting Saturday I am going back on my strict ass cant eat shit but fruit and veggies (yes that means I will have to cut out muh cheese noooo lol) diet as well as working out I will loose the weight by Jan!! My friend told me maybe I don't have to go to the extreme with it but with me its all or nothing because if I make it wear I cant have it all I will eventually forget about it and not miss it. If I let myself have it every once in awhile it will become all the time thing so I would just as soon cut it all out. Next will be forcing myself to take pics on the Macbook Pro (don't hate Ess/ Dani) using photobooth with my "Insight" built in cam then start posting them on here. Just doing things like that may help me got any ideas let me know..
I have also been hella stressed at work damn I need a vacation Jan cant come soon enough lol. When I say stressed I mean stressed to the point of I cant take this anymore something has to give before I go knucking futz. I have started walking outside when I need a breather or if I am really having a difficult time I pull a dear friends e-mail up and reread it to my self there words of encouragement help get thru my little mini moment. I have also started taking me time when I get home just relaxing doing things that comfort me. I didn't really want to bother anybody with my issues but it was brought to my attention holding things in and not letting how you feel out only puts you in a deeper state of problems. I have chosen not to dwell in my problems and be defeated instead I will start making those needed change to become a better me. So I decided to vent in this blog and whoever has the time to reply can do so. I want to thank Ess, Dani, Kellz, KP, Shar, Robert and everyone else on here who has ever helped me when I needed it. I love yall and i am so blessed to have you guys in my life awww ::tear:: lol. Time to go back to work YaY riiiiight lol so until next time peace..
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Comments (4)
that is awesome that you are coming to these revelations. realization and acceptance are your first steps. and you have a plan! awesomeness...
i would definitely suggest sitting down and talking to somebody in the fam. you've been holding this in a looong ass time homie. not healthy at all. do what you gotta do to rid yourself of this feeling...remember, but u gotta stop dwelling on those negative feelings and memories.
i mean...i dont know exactly what i can say because im going through similar issues myself. i can definitely say that YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. look in the mirror every day and point out things you like. you said you believe you have a cute smile. smile at yourself. bring out the best in yourself so that you'll see THAT as opposed to those things you cannot stand about you.
and GET UP and get your dance on in tha mirror! (pretty mama if you're SINGLE! AAAAY lol) dont think i havent seen yo' ass gettin it! dancing in the mirror by yourself frees you of inhibitions...it gives me energy and boosts my confidence. when my spondylitis acts up i dance around the pain! you remember my highlight on my chat where i was dancing my ass off? my spondylitis was acting UP that day, but i wasn't even thinking about it! i wasn't thinkin about yall watchin me...none of that, cuz i was staring in the mirror! im telling you, whether you can dance or not, that's like therapy!
also realize that we are all going through our hardships in life. know that you are not the only one. you notice that in most of the deep blogs i have, i put that im 'listening to music' and the album i almost always choose is Musiq Soulchild's 'Aijuswanaseing' and i choose the track called 'You Be Alright.' i listen to that song whenever i'm going something because the lyrics are a reminder to me that im not the only one and i can get through it because it's POSSIBLE. check the 2nd verse and the bridge:
people have a tendency to think to themselves
that they're the only ones going through more things than everyone else
but oooooh i bet you'll beg to differ if you would just consider the much bigger picture
cuz then you would see that most people go through the same things that you do
in life....but you be alright
cuz if you can take it you surely can make it through
you be alright
just take a good look around
look at things and all the people that you see
cuz we share a joy...we share a pain
so it doesn't matter at all...we're all the same
so you be alright
deeeeep...i suggest you find that song and listen to all 7 minutes of it over and over again! it will put the hardest things in a more positive light for you every time.
everybody has something they are currently overcoming or has overcome something or will be faced with something to overcome...including all of your buddies on hoodstars. you've read my blogs. as friends, we gotta rely on each other for that shoulder sometimes. you got me, dani, kellz, and everybody else...we got ya back shawty u know that.
aaaand remember: when nothing else in the world seems to make sense, we all know that ONE thing always does:
omarion is the SHIT! OW!
lol i love you, homie! see ya January son! all kinds of awesomeness goin down! bowling, clubbin, chillin in tha hotel cuttin up on EssenceTV...OH yea its goin down. look forward to it.
KEEP YOUR HEAD UP! stay focused on what your ultimate goal is! listen to the song! again, i love you! CYTS, JYTS whichever one you choose it still mean tha same thang shawty! you are full of awesomeness! toss your hair around and say 'OW!' for me one time cuz im jealous of that fukkin hair! and FUKK yo macbook pro! my baby dell may be sick but he's all i got, and he's a sexi red! he'll be alright as soon as i win the lottery or sumthin...stop rubbin that shiit in my face! you and watsisfayce !
:o)
-Essence
Many blessings from most high on ur quest...
It's a good thing that you are realizing these things about yourself and deciding to do something about it. I know exactly where you are coming from; not wanting to disappoint or worry people and so keeping it all inside. But that is not good not at all. I'm glad you're doing what you feel you need to in order to feel better inside.....that is THE important thing.
Awwww..ya know i loooove ya candaayyyy :o) CYTS!!..and im glad that u want to make changes for YOU..and not anyone else but YOU..dont worry about noone else..you gotta make sure u happy, and dont think u have to hold up to anyone elses image but ur own..remember only GOD judges..and ur a GREAT person and that u have people that really have ur back...and i agree totally wit Ess silly ass..LOL yesss Ess them slow ass MACS and spazzin ass KICKS..BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, they know DELLS THE SHYT!! TEEHEE!! :o)...and oh yeaa...O IS THE SHYT!!!